self-perception

How to spot it and begin to create change How often do you think to yourself: “I will get around to saying something… later.”“Next month, I’ll set the boundaries.”“Once things calm down, I’ll take better care of myself.” Making these promises to yourself is comforting, especially when your mind is overwhelmed. Anything that soothes you in that moment feels like a blessing. But sometimes, they’re not examples of you planning a realistic future. Instead they’re quiet avoidance. You may have heard the term “future-faking” in the context of relationships. It’s when someone manipulates your emotions by painting a picture of a wonderful future to keep you hooked, even though they never intend to follow through. It’s not always easy to spot when you sooo want to believe it. But even more subtle and more common is how we sometimes future-fake ourselves. This kind of self-future-faking isn’t narcissistic I have seen it as a coping strategy of imaginative and sensitive souls who’ve lived through chaos, neglect or emotional unpredictability. Plus I’ve participated many times myself. As children, we survived by escaping into fantasy. Now, as adults, we dream of having more self-respect, good relationship boundaries, better days ahead, etc. But without actually moving towards them, they remain in the zone of potential rather than reality. You might be aware of doing this and berate yourself for being lazy… but it’s not. It’s your nervous system in freeze. A way of staying “safe” by staying in the dream instead of risking discomfort in the now. The danger is that over time, these unkept promises begin to convince you you can’t trust yourself. And your inner world starts to feel like a place where you have hope, yes… but nothing actually grows there. This is something I realised after years of unsuccessfully trying to repair an emotionally neglectful marriage – one that echoed my early experiences of being completely alone with my feelings. But because divorce was, at the time, an overwhelming prospect, I settled into the safe zone of fantasy-planning a better future. It took a period of waking up to the truth that my comfort wasn’t even comfortable anymore; it was a painful passing of my precious time. I needed to steer myself back to reality while honouring everything I began to feel. What can you do? Reclaiming your agency doesn’t begin with you forcing yourself into action, but restoring a sense of safety. You’re showing your system that it’s okay to move, little by little, thawing the freeze. Mini Exercise: Am I Future-Faking Myself? Try journaling or reflecting on these two questions: Then take this micro-action:Pick one of those promises and shrink it. Make it laughably small, and actually do it. For example, instead of telling yourself you’ll rest more next week, try: “Tonight I will lie down for five minutes without my phone and just breathe.” Making and sticking to real promises is how we rebuild trust If you recognise this pattern, the good news is that your future still can be better. Especially now you see what’s been stopping you. But it starts with showing up for yourself now, in tiny, doable ways. It’s the difference between being imaginative and creative. They are not the same thing. There is action in creativity – you’re creating the life you dream of, one step at a time. A hopeful holding pattern… If you’re tired of existing in this hopeful holding pattern where nothing really changes, EVOLVE might be the gentle intervention you’ve been needing. The first part of our 6 month 1:1 journey is all about creating inner safety and helping your system feel truly resourced… before we look at things like boundaries, your shadow side or taking confident action towards change. Genuine growth and transformation doesn’t come from the pressure of performing… It comes from safety, self-trust, and the right support. Learn more about EVOLVE here. “The future is not something we enter. The future is something we create.” – Leonard Sweet

  Introduction You’ve evolved and matured as a woman, yet struggle to share all that you are becoming with your family and childhood friends. If you find yourself asking, “Why do I still act like a child around my family?” read on…   Sometimes, the very people who have known us the longest can make our growth feel uncomfortable, even unwelcome. It isn’t always loud or obvious. Often, it’s subtle and invisible, yet powerful enough to leave us feeling frustrated and drained within minutes. In this post, we’ll explore why personal growth can feel like a threat around family, and why that matters more than you might realise. When Your Growth Doesn’t Fit the Room You’ve done so much growing. You’ve worked hard to reflect, understand yourself and make genuine changes in your life.But when you visit your family, it’s like your growth doesn’t quite fit the room. No matter how far you’ve come, they often respond to who you 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 to be, not who you are now.   So, without even meaning to, you adapt. You tone things down, change the subject, or avoid certain topics altogether. You play the part they expect—not because you’re being dishonest, but because it just feels easier than being met with confusion or resistance.   But here’s what happens when you do that often enough:You slowly disconnect from your current self.The version of you that’s grown, evolved, and worked diligently on your healing gets tucked away, unseen.   Why We Shrink Ourselves to Fit In   It’s worth asking: “Why should growing into more of myself feel like something to hide?Why does it feel safer to stay small around the people who say they love me most?” Much of this comes down to a hidden but powerful belief: If I change too much, I might not be loved the same way. So we play it safe. We don’t rock the boat.We recycle the “best bits” of ourselves they recognised and approved of years ago… even if those parts no longer feel fully true. But is it really loving if it only embraces the version of you that stays the same? And if you have to regress yourself to be accepted, aren’t you just performing a part, rather than connecting as who you are now?   The Cost of Playing Small   This is why you leave feeling exhausted—even after just a couple of hours.You might tell yourself it was pleasant enough. No upsets. Everyone had a good time.A success all round… if you ignore those pangs of inauthenticity, the humiliation of being treated like a child, and the ache from your unmet need for adult-to-adult connection.   But remember: The discomfort doesn’t come from your growth.It comes from being tugged back to a version of yourself that no longer feels right.   Honour Your Evolution   The one relationship you’ll be in for life, start to finish, is the one with yourself… your longest-standing source of love (if you’ll allow it to be). Let in love that feels real and supportive. But don’t rely on it to define you. Honour your own evolution.   Ready to break through old patterns?   If you’re noticing just how often you shrink or self-edit in relationships (especially with family) Power 180 might be your perfect next step. This 3-session coaching package is designed to help compassionate women build the clarity and confidence to set healthier emotional boundaries. You’ll leave with practical tools and a stronger sense of self; no longer shape-shifting to stay connected.   Curious to learn more? Book your Power 180 discovery call here and take the first step toward boundaries that honour your growth.      

Why Personal Development Advice Can Feel So Confusing There’s a lot of confusion in the personal development world around identity work vs self-acceptance. So I’m wading in…! Do you find that one moment you’re focused on shifting into a new identity (that you have no prior experience of), in order to become who you need to be to achieve your dreams…But then you learn that you should really be working towards radical self-acceptance, because that’s where your true power lies? Both of these endeavours can be beautifully life-enriching, and in no way mutually exclusive (as I’ll explain in a minute), but I frequently see them translated into some pretty toxic narratives. Two Popular But Problematic Narratives in Personal Development It morphs into advice that is split into two opposing and unhelpful options: 1. Fake it till you make it 2. You don’t need to change And they miss the bigger picture, never quite addressing what the “Self” is that is either to be upgraded or accepted 🤔 Which leads either to feeling like you aren’t good enough as you are, so you must adopt a persona and trust it’ll become your norm eventually…Or that it’s not necessary (or even desirable) to challenge yourself to behave in any way other than you do — a narcissist’s heaven, if such a thing were to exist. Why These Messages Miss the Bigger Picture Now I know that I often talk about both evolving AND shadow integration, so I want to make sure that my message to you is clear: To evolve is natural. It simply means to change. Change is both inevitable and something we can initiate and steer. Resistance to change is often a path of suffering. At the same time, I strongly feel that it’s vital to explore and know ourselves deeply, “warts” and all, if you like. Because we are all human and all have a soul that’s not so different from anyone else’s on a fundamental level. Change Is Natural—And It Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken We have life experiences that shape our character and bodies, yes. But overall, we arrived here with the propensity and desire to express all aspects of our humanity—though we quickly learned how culturally unacceptable that can be! So my version of “love yourself” is to get to know all the dark corners of your personality and dive into the subconscious to become more aware of what is controlling you. This creates spiritual freedom. I refer to this as “honouring your true self”. What “Loving Yourself” Really Means But one thing that is often overlooked in shadow work is how much we ALSO bury our light and brilliance and power. It is seen as flashy or dangerous to express this, and we’ve all been warned at some point not to get too big for our boots. In other words, don’t shine too brightly. It’s Not About Becoming Someone Else—It’s About Remembering Who You Are So the “new identity” work I would advocate is not about abandoning who you were and pretending to be something you are not. It’s about embracing the fact that you have far more potential than you can even see from your current vantage point. Identity is just that — how you see yourself. Self-perception or self-image. It’s not who you actually are as a soul; it’s simply your current relationship with yourself. Don’t Just Accept Yourself—See Yourself Clearly And all of this equally applies when people use “self-acceptance” to avoid looking at who they really are, by indulging a self-image that lacks accountability for their behaviour and its consequences. Demanding that others accept them as they see themselves, but without doing the painful work of acknowledging that while their soul is beautiful and timeless and complete, they are acting from a defensive and myopic position, not truly Self-accepting. Ultimately, whichever way you look at it, you are either freeing yourself from the limits you learned or you’re shackling yourself to them. You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone I created The EVOLVE Journey to support you 1:1 through the often confusing and frustrating terrain of coming home to your true self. Click here to book a free call and learn more about working with me. Ask me the difficult, awkward questions and show me your deepest contradictions, and I will guide you back to such clarity about yourself that it naturally unlocks your energy and vision to begin consciously creating your most meaningful and fulfilling life 💖